The Biggest Job Search Ever

The Biggest Job Search Ever
By Lee Lawton

Congratulations! You have done such an incredible job serving as the CEO of the largest corporation on the planet, that it will take two people to replace you. The decision is entirely up to you, as you have the complete confidence of the Board of Directors. You more than deserve the multi-billion-dollar retirement package we’ve put together for you. May you enjoy it in great health and happiness!

Here are some factors to consider while making your decision:

There are approximately 4 million employees in Your Company, serving a client base of 305 million people.
Your Company uses nearly 10 million square miles of the planet.
Your Company has a current budget of over $3 trillion dollars.
Right now, Your Company is overspent to the tune of $407 billion dollars.
There are 535 people on the Board of Directors, who are elected by our clients.

You may not have reviewed your job description in some time, so here is a summary:

The CEO of Your Company is responsible for:

-the safety of the Company as a whole, as well as the safety of all employees and clients
-business arrangements with other Companies around the world
-meetings with the CEOs of other Companies around the world
-informing the Board of Directors about the overall condition of Your Company
-approving or vetoing all decisions made by the Board of Directors
-making sure that all of the Company’s Rules and Regulations are obeyed
-appointing all Department Heads and Human Resources personnel
-granting reprieves and pardons for rule-breakers

Since we will be hiring a team to replace you, there will now be a Vice-CEO, who will serve as the agent of the CEO, and would take over the job of the CEO should the CEO die or be unable to carry out the duties of that job. The Vice-CEO will also serve to break any tie votes in the Board of Directors.

After an exhaustive search, we have narrowed the field of applicants to two teams. Here is a short description of their qualifications:

Team A:

For CEO: 72-year-old male. Graduate, military academy. On the Board of Directors of Your Company for 26 years, representing a client base numbering approximately 6.5 million, with gross earnings of $232 billion.

For Vice-CEO: 44-year-old woman. College graduate, after 4 transfers, with a degree in journalism. 10 years representing a client base numbering approximately 5,500 with a budget of less than $5 million. 2 years representing a client base numbering 670,000 with gross earnings of $2.9 billion.

Team B:

For CEO: 47-year-old male. College graduate with a degree in political science, specializing in international relations. Law degree. 7 years representing a client base numbering nearly 800,000. No gross earnings available. On the Board of Directors of Your Company for 3 years, representing a client base numbering 12.8 million, with gross earnings of $40 billion.

For Vice-CEO: 66-year-old male. College graduate, with a degree in political science and history. Law degree. On the Board of Directors of Your Company for 35 years representing a client base numbering approximately 900,000, with gross earnings of $43 billion.

Your Company realizes that it is very difficult to choose, based only on these facts. There is much more information available, of course, much of it subjective, and completely unrelated to the job description. We ask only that you review the duties of the CEO, take into account the possibility that the Vice-CEO may be required to assume the duties of the CEO, and choose the team best qualified to manage Your Company.

Good luck!